WHEN ASHES RETURNED

     When a person opts for cremation, often little or no thought is given to what will be done with the ashes.  This can lead to some confusion and, occasionally, to an unpleasant situation.
     In most cases, the ashes are returned in an urn and the urn is then placed in a columbarium or buried at a cemetery.  In other instances the relatives may keep the ashes at home in a special ceremic or bronze container, scatter them at sea, or over the mountains ect.
     Occasionally the ashes maybe returned in a shockingly simple receptacle, sometimes as shockingly simple as a tin can.  This, obviously, can be dismaying.  Also, some bone fragments and other residue may remain which can make a hollow rattling inside the container.  That can be a nasty surprise.  Then again, those who are unprepared may be surprised by the quantity of the ashes.  A thoughtful funeral director will discuss with the family in advance what to expect when receiving the ashes.  No surprises are needed at this time.

WHAT IS PREARRANGEMENT?

     Prearrangement of funeral services means simply that service choices are made and merchandise chosen well in advance of need.  In order to make practical, sensible prearrangement choices, facts about funeral services are necessary.  A reputable funeral director in the community can provide you with information concerning the choices available to you and laws which govern prearrangement in your state.
     It is wise to involve your family in prearrangement.  After all, they will be responsible for carrying out your wishes, and their involvement in the prearrangement process will assure them that certain provisions have been made.
     Prearrangement plans are not written in stone.  The plans you make may be revised or even revoked entirely should your circumstances change.  If for any reason your family chooses not to call on the funeral service firm you have chosen, plans can be transferred to the firm of their choice.  For more information regarding prearrangement in Texas, please go to www.prepaidfunerals.texas.gov or contact the Texas Department of Banking

IMPORTANCE OF VISITING

     Do not underestimate the value of your visit to the bereaved.  It means more to the mourners than they can possibly express.  With death come grief.  The family grieves for its lost one and for themselves.  The sorrow of separation is evident.  You lighten the sorrow by sharing in it.  Your visit will help them get started on the road back.
     The emotional well-being of survivors depends on the acknowledgement of the death, not the denial of it.  That is why the funeral and visitation are so important.  Painful as they may be, they confirm the fact that the death has occurred.
     Going to the visitation and/or the funeral can also be good in many ways for the person doing it.  Facing the fact of death when it happens to others can be important in shaping the values in one's own life.  It helps prepare for a future death in the family.  It shows how to accept this same kind of community support when death occurs.

MORE THAN TIME ALONE

     Time is a very important aspect of grief work.  The recovery back to creative, healthy living is only through the painful process of grief itself.  There are no shortcuts.
     Because of the multitude of factors that affect the way an individual will react to grief, there can be no cookbook approach to helping the bereaved nor can there be a set timetable for the grief process.
     It is a mistake, however, to think that time alone will necessarily heal the pain of grief.  It is how time is used that will be a factor in determining how long the pain remains acute, whether it is even fully experienced, and how long it it will take for recovery.  Grief is an active, not a passive process.  The course of normal grief depends on the ability of the bereaved to do the grief work necessary to separate themselves from that which was lost and reinvest themselves elsewhere.

PRUDENT PLANNING

     Financial planning involves the consideration of many contingencies.  One which is often neglected, is the prudent planning of funeral costs.
     Consideration of funeral costs in advance is certainly not a new idea.  Many individuals consider what is wanted in the way of funeral service and share these wishes with their families in some way.  With the help of an informed funeral director, you'll know that your wishes will be carried out in ways that are financially sound and truly helpful to your family.
     Contact the funeral director you have chosen.  Discuss your concerns with him or her and talk about preferences with your family.  There are more decision to be made than you perhaps have anticipated; decisions which you can spare your survivors from having to make during time of need.  Pre-arranging funerals is a sensitive and practical way to plan for your family.

CHILDREN AFTER FUNERAL

     A child should be allowed to remain a child even if there has been a tragic loss in the family.  Of course, when someone in the family dies, everyone else has to pitch in and assume some of the tasks and responsibilities that the deceased once had.  However, don't make a ten-year old or even a fourteen-year-old be the "mommy" or the "man of the house".  They should know that more is expected of them in terms of household chores, but they should know that it is okay to be ten or fourteen.  The experience will have helped them mature a lot, anyway.  Don't force it further by denying them the opportunity to still be a child.
     Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased with your child,and let them share memories.  Let children know that it is good to remember people after death, that we can treasure the lessons and joy they brought us for all our lives.  Even the process of sharing these insights will foster a closer relationship among the survivors.

SAY OR DO IT NOW

     Almost everyone experiences some degree or guilt when a person close to them dies.  Most guilt feelings are not based on fact, but grieving persons don't always think very clearly.  Many guilt feelings relate to things people feel they should have done or said while the loved one was alive - a promised trip, a letter unsent, a word of love left unspoken.  The feeling is that the deceased left the world unaware of those feelings or was disappointed with the grieving survivor.
     This type of guilt feeling is practically useless.  It will not bring back the deceased.  There will not be another opportunity to correct the situation.  Guilt is a wasteful expenditure of emotional energy.  However, knowing that doesn't necessarily make guilt any easier to deal with.  The lesson for us all is to do and say NOW those things that are important so that someday we won't have to be sorry for not having done and said them.