WHEN ASHES RETURNED

     When a person opts for cremation, often little or no thought is given to what will be done with the ashes.  This can lead to some confusion and, occasionally, to an unpleasant situation.
     In most cases, the ashes are returned in an urn and the urn is then placed in a columbarium or buried at a cemetery.  In other instances the relatives may keep the ashes at home in a special ceremic or bronze container, scatter them at sea, or over the mountains ect.
     Occasionally the ashes maybe returned in a shockingly simple receptacle, sometimes as shockingly simple as a tin can.  This, obviously, can be dismaying.  Also, some bone fragments and other residue may remain which can make a hollow rattling inside the container.  That can be a nasty surprise.  Then again, those who are unprepared may be surprised by the quantity of the ashes.  A thoughtful funeral director will discuss with the family in advance what to expect when receiving the ashes.  No surprises are needed at this time.

WHAT IS PREARRANGEMENT?

     Prearrangement of funeral services means simply that service choices are made and merchandise chosen well in advance of need.  In order to make practical, sensible prearrangement choices, facts about funeral services are necessary.  A reputable funeral director in the community can provide you with information concerning the choices available to you and laws which govern prearrangement in your state.
     It is wise to involve your family in prearrangement.  After all, they will be responsible for carrying out your wishes, and their involvement in the prearrangement process will assure them that certain provisions have been made.
     Prearrangement plans are not written in stone.  The plans you make may be revised or even revoked entirely should your circumstances change.  If for any reason your family chooses not to call on the funeral service firm you have chosen, plans can be transferred to the firm of their choice.  For more information regarding prearrangement in Texas, please go to www.prepaidfunerals.texas.gov or contact the Texas Department of Banking

IMPORTANCE OF VISITING

     Do not underestimate the value of your visit to the bereaved.  It means more to the mourners than they can possibly express.  With death come grief.  The family grieves for its lost one and for themselves.  The sorrow of separation is evident.  You lighten the sorrow by sharing in it.  Your visit will help them get started on the road back.
     The emotional well-being of survivors depends on the acknowledgement of the death, not the denial of it.  That is why the funeral and visitation are so important.  Painful as they may be, they confirm the fact that the death has occurred.
     Going to the visitation and/or the funeral can also be good in many ways for the person doing it.  Facing the fact of death when it happens to others can be important in shaping the values in one's own life.  It helps prepare for a future death in the family.  It shows how to accept this same kind of community support when death occurs.

MORE THAN TIME ALONE

     Time is a very important aspect of grief work.  The recovery back to creative, healthy living is only through the painful process of grief itself.  There are no shortcuts.
     Because of the multitude of factors that affect the way an individual will react to grief, there can be no cookbook approach to helping the bereaved nor can there be a set timetable for the grief process.
     It is a mistake, however, to think that time alone will necessarily heal the pain of grief.  It is how time is used that will be a factor in determining how long the pain remains acute, whether it is even fully experienced, and how long it it will take for recovery.  Grief is an active, not a passive process.  The course of normal grief depends on the ability of the bereaved to do the grief work necessary to separate themselves from that which was lost and reinvest themselves elsewhere.

PRUDENT PLANNING

     Financial planning involves the consideration of many contingencies.  One which is often neglected, is the prudent planning of funeral costs.
     Consideration of funeral costs in advance is certainly not a new idea.  Many individuals consider what is wanted in the way of funeral service and share these wishes with their families in some way.  With the help of an informed funeral director, you'll know that your wishes will be carried out in ways that are financially sound and truly helpful to your family.
     Contact the funeral director you have chosen.  Discuss your concerns with him or her and talk about preferences with your family.  There are more decision to be made than you perhaps have anticipated; decisions which you can spare your survivors from having to make during time of need.  Pre-arranging funerals is a sensitive and practical way to plan for your family.

CHILDREN AFTER FUNERAL

     A child should be allowed to remain a child even if there has been a tragic loss in the family.  Of course, when someone in the family dies, everyone else has to pitch in and assume some of the tasks and responsibilities that the deceased once had.  However, don't make a ten-year old or even a fourteen-year-old be the "mommy" or the "man of the house".  They should know that more is expected of them in terms of household chores, but they should know that it is okay to be ten or fourteen.  The experience will have helped them mature a lot, anyway.  Don't force it further by denying them the opportunity to still be a child.
     Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased with your child,and let them share memories.  Let children know that it is good to remember people after death, that we can treasure the lessons and joy they brought us for all our lives.  Even the process of sharing these insights will foster a closer relationship among the survivors.

SAY OR DO IT NOW

     Almost everyone experiences some degree or guilt when a person close to them dies.  Most guilt feelings are not based on fact, but grieving persons don't always think very clearly.  Many guilt feelings relate to things people feel they should have done or said while the loved one was alive - a promised trip, a letter unsent, a word of love left unspoken.  The feeling is that the deceased left the world unaware of those feelings or was disappointed with the grieving survivor.
     This type of guilt feeling is practically useless.  It will not bring back the deceased.  There will not be another opportunity to correct the situation.  Guilt is a wasteful expenditure of emotional energy.  However, knowing that doesn't necessarily make guilt any easier to deal with.  The lesson for us all is to do and say NOW those things that are important so that someday we won't have to be sorry for not having done and said them.

UNKNOWN WISHES

     For many families, planning for funerals is not a subject that comes up easily.  Many people die unexpectedly, making the subject academic.  The question then is what kind of a funeral should a person choose when the last wishes of the deceased are not known?
     Communication can be the key.  Discuss the matter with friends and relatives.  Perhaps someone does recall the deceased having made some comments, even humorous, about the kind of funeral and interment he or she would have liked.
     What were the tastes and tendencies of the deceased?  Would he or she have wanted a lavish funeral?  Would he or she have enjoyed having many people attend or just a few close friends?  Would flowers be appropriate?  How about religious conviction and affiliation?  Then make your decision as best you can, based on your knowledge of the deceased, and let the matter rest without guilt or second thoughts.

EVENTUALLY PAIN WILL EASE

     Sometimes the loss of a loved one can bring most overwhelming pain, the kind that can barely be endured.  It may seem impossible to ever really recover from that loss, and yet most people do.  Unless the grief becomes pathological or obsessive, somehow it does abate.  No matter how intense, no matter how many mornings one wakes up feeling as depressed as the day before, time will come when the pain eases.
     Of course, the sadness never disappears entirely, not if the person was much cherished.  It is hard to imagine the parents of a deceased child ever ceasing to feel sorrow for their loss.  It is hard to imagine how the survivor of a happy marriage could ever stop missing the lost mate, no matter how many years they are separated by death.  Most of us, however, do come to terms with bereavement pain and do reach an ACCOMMODATION with grief.  We may never forget the loss, but we can recall it with some equanimity.

AMBIVALENT FEELINGS

     After the death of a loved one, feelings can often be ambivalent.  That is grief.  There may also be some sense of relief.  Whether the relief comes from the feelings that the loved one is no longer suffering, from not having to witness that suffering, or from not having to care for the person any longer, such reactions are human and natural.
     However, most people don't see it that way.  They feel guilty about these natural feelings.  Could they have really loved the person if one part of them feel relieved by the death?  They may blame themselves for not having done more, for having uttered some cross words, for not having been at the person's side more.
     Self-blame is a no-win deal.  No matter what miracles of caring or nurturing the bereaved may have performed for the deceased, there will ALWAYS be gaps in the record and hence room for self-doubts.  The more a survivor broods on what might have been, the worse things get psychologically.

PSYCHOSOMATIC REACTIONS

     During the period of mourning, people suffer from physical problems which could also be considered as "psychosomatic".
     Physical side effects of mourning can include a number fo possible ailments, ranging from headache attacks to asthma, fatigue, indigestion, constipation, impotency, skin rashes, shortness of breath, dizziness, weight loss, fainting spells, palpitation, tightness in the chest, loss of appetite, nausea, ect.  More serious diseases can also be linked to bereavement, especially when the bereavement is intense.
     Can anything be done about this?  It is sound policy for a person who is grieving to seek frequent medical checkups; to get extra sleep, rest, and exercise; to eat well; to maintain social contacts; and to be kind to oneself.  Remember: the grieving person IS more physically and emotionally fragile than usual.

WHAT IS HOSPICE?

     The Hospice Movement was started in 1948 at St. Christopher's Hospice in London.  A hospice can be either a separate institution or a section of a hospital where special care is provided for dying patients, ensuring that they spend their last days quietly, productively, painlessly, and lovingly attended to.
     A friendly, non -institutional atmosphere is encouraged, and nurses and doctors are dedicated to providing patient-oriented services.  In some hospices, patients live in private rooms decorated to their tastes and furnished with their own belongings; while others prefer to be in their own home.  In others, patients spend much of their time commuting back and forth between hospice and home.  In any hospice, visiting hours are open, friends and family are encouraged to come at any time, and visits from children, whatever their age, are heartily welcomed.  The goal is to make the experience of dying as serene, dignified, and supportive as possible.

PARALLEL STAGES

     Sometimes the bereaved tend to go through stages that parallel those of the dying person.  This can take place both before and after the death of a loved one.  That is, those close to a dying person may pass through some form of denial as soon as they learn the person has a terminal disease.  "It can't be so, it can't be true that my husband is dying"  Then comes anger - at oneself, at the dying person, at the doctor, at the Fates.  There is also bargaining.  "Just give him a little more time, God." Then depression.  "I can't go on without him if he dies".  Finally - acceptance.
     After death the same stages present themselves also, although often in random patterns.  Denial is there, and certainly anger and depression.  Though it is too late for bargaining, that too may appear.  However, in the end, most people arrive at acceptance.  Just as it is healthy for a dying person to work through these stages, so it is for the survivors.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Not surprisingly, the emotional support we can bring a dying person is similar to those the living thrive on: compassion, patience, sincerity, and an honest interest in the person's welfare, thought, feelings, and opinions. Above all, you need to show faithfulness and perseverance - the promises that you will be there to the end. In this regard, it is often considered a helpful practice somewhere along the way to tell the dying person this quite directly: that you won't run out, that you can be depended on.

Basically, there are only two ways we can make a dying person comfortable: by assuring physical comfort; and by assuring psychological comfort. The former is fairly straight forward; the latter is a more subtle process. It is met only by constantly recalling the fact that someday the dying person in the bed will be you, and that every kindness you would wish for and need then, the patient wishes for and needs now.

WHY PREARRANGE

    There are many different reasons for prearranging a funeral.  Some persons, especially those who are alone in the world, may want the assurance of a funeral and burial which meet their personal beliefs, standards, or lifestyle.  Others feel a responsibility to assist survivors by arranging approximate funeral and burial cost guidelines.  Others may have moved to distant places or maintain both summer and winter residences.  They may want to make sure that certain recommendations are heeded as to where the funeral and burial or other final dispositions will take place.
     There are as many explanations for prearranging funerals as there are people requesting them.  A few key considerations in preplanning may assist most people:  Take into account the possible effect on survivors.  If you are unsure, share your plans with them in advance.  Approach realistically the logic and economics of planning now for what might not take place for many years.

WHY HAVE A FUNERAL?

     Contrary to what you may think, a funeral is for the living.  The deceased will never know what transpires, but it can be a source of great comfort to the deceased's relatives and friends.  It can be the first step on the road of recovery from grief.  After all, involvement in a funeral is a form of mourning.  It provides opportunities to mourn the loss of a loved one or friend in the presence of others who also will mourn the loss.  It gives one a time when family and friends can share stories about the deceased - even funny ones that may lighten the atmosphere with laughter.
     In talking with friends before or after the ceremony, one is likely to learn new things about this person who was important in life.  When friends or loved ones part in daily life, they usually say good-bye.  If they part without saying good-bye, and uncomfortable feeling usually ensures.  Saying good-bye is a way of saying, "I care about you" and funerals are occasions for saying good-bye.

WORKING IN HARMONY

     Funeral homes may offer funeral packages.  These are usually well thought out, all inclusive, and economical.  However, just because you are offered a choice of these packages that does not mean you have to choose one of them.
     It is possible to custom tailor a funeral to perfectly suit a person's need and desires.  Without scandalizing the community - or breaking the law - you can have almost any type of funeral you desire.
     Most funeral directors are both flexible and open-minded.  In pre-planning a funeral, it makes good sense to talk at leisure with a funeral director and express your preferences.  You are not only
interested in good service at a good price, but in working with a funeral director with whom you feel comfortable.  If you are going to be at all creative in pre-planning a funeral, being able to collaborate is an important consideration

Plan It Yourself

     Remember the old saw:  If you want to do something right, do it yourself.  Well if you want to make sure you get the funeral or cremation option you want, from the best funeral director, at the best price, you'd better do it yourself in advance rather than leave it to survivors later.
     The first thing to do is to decide what type of funeral or cremation option you prefer: large, small, simple, lavish, religious or nondenominational.  You can decide what type ceremony you want, and where your remains are to be laid.  You can even decide which people you want to attend.
     Then decide which funeral home you wish to carry our your wishes.  Talk things over with the funeral director.  Find out if he or she is amenable to your wishes; and work out the details.  Then get everything down in writing.  Copies should be kept in a safe place where family members can quickly find them quickly and another should be kept on file at the funeral home.
     If it is your desire, you can even prepay your services and merchandise.  By prepaying for your services in advance you freeze the costs at today's prices and take a financial burden off of your family in the future.  Prepaid funeral arrangements are regulated by the Texas Department of Banking.  You may find additional information by visiting their website at www.prepaidfunerals.texas.gov.

KNOW THE TWO RULES

     There are two good rules for making funeral arrangements.
     Rule One:   Know what you are getting.  There are so many details involved in a funeral that you may be unclear about everything you have discussed with the funeral director.  An itemized list should  be provided of everything included in the funeral - along with prices.  That way you can be sure of what you will be getting, make changes if necessary, and know how much it will all cost.
     Rule Two:  Get what you want.  You probably have a good idea of what kind of funeral or memorial you want before you even discuss these matters with a funeral director.  He or she may have some valuable and practical suggestions and you should certainly be open to these  However, you do not want to be influenced into making decisions you will regret later.  If you want a simple, but elegant funeral or if cost is a consideration, do not contract for a funeral which is elaborate and expensive.  Your funeral director will discuss all the options available to you.

FINDING THE RIGHT FUNERAL HOME

     Assuming that arrangements have NOT been made beforehand, the first task facing survivors is finding survivors is finding a good funeral home.  Often feeling rushed and bewildered, inadequate and bereft, relatives of the deceased may take the path of least resistance and choose the services of a funeral director at random, picking out a firm with the largest ad or hiring a firm which is in closest proximity.
     More care of choice should be taken, even if the bereaved is in no mood for dealing with such difficult details.  A choice made in haste may well be regretted at leisure.
     The best of all methods for choosing a funeral director is work-of-mouth recommendation from those whose advice you trust.  Talk to people who have recently had a death in the family.  Were they satisfied with the service they received from the funeral home?  Whom do they recommend?  A funeral director can be a genuine help in time of crisis.  It is worth spending the effort to do a little research.

DEALING WITH BURNOUT

     Sometimes when family members take care of a dying person day in and day out, they experience a kind of burnout.  This is something that the dying person's family must watch for carefully.  Relatives and friends can work with a dying person for only so long before reaching the limits of their endurance.  Just as the body becomes fatiqued, so the spirit can be overexposed to the strain, worry, and anguish that nursing care demands.
     In order to minimize the chances of this happening, people doing the care giving must learn to pace themselves and to gauge their limits.  If, after long periods of taking care of a sick person, they observe a tendency toward increasing irritation, or chronic fatigue, or depression, it means that a pause is in order - a day off, a quick vacation to clear the head, a change of scenery.  It doesn't mean you care less, only that you want to care for the person in the best way possible.